It's hard for me to write this time. Since I got back home till the moment I sat down near the computer was quite a while. Many things happened this time as usual, but few things has changed in the middle. Yes, it happen a lot that I come sleepy to the studio and sure I won't be able to dance. Normally I still comes happy, and even if I come after a bad day - those classes gives me enough to feel better. Pretty in the middle I stopped my ability to dance right and it wasn't because I was tired.
I came with no stress this time, just tired. Beginners class. From a weird reason I saw that Ilan dance with them. Between the classes I asked him what did he do with the beginners. He told me that he came early, so instead of watching - he joined them. Andreu came for a moment and gone.
Our class has started with hands' warming longer than the usual. And legs' warming. Twice or three times we made our practice to end of year as "a part of class although we're on stage". Neta said we are getting better. So, as far as we're getting better - few new steps to this part.
A bit of circles around. Once again - do we notice we're getting better? The bimbo came that moment or so.
And do all our dance. For the first time - we all did the start pretty well, but.... When the action starts - I saw all standing and I wasn't sure if I should go on. One moment of thinking - I took the chance. It was already in a little late cause I wasn't sure. I guess it was a good thing cause a moment after I took this chance - all "woke up" from their freezing and came with me. One moment of pleasure that I felt like I should trust myself more. After this time - Neta asked what happened to all of us. Once again from the start.
And.... Does all here? Only the nice one is missing. We're getting our places of standing for the end of year. Ilan of course is in the first line. Quickly I found myself in the last line. 3-4 lines and I'm in the back again - with the assistant. And the man and the nice one. I found myself in the end while the assistant don't get anything next to each other, at least some of the time. Oh dear.... I died and came to hell....... Not much after I was so happy with the moves I made - I found myself in the same level of the assistant. The fat woman is in a line before me! Am I really THAT horrible dancer and THAT untalented? I still didn't say a word. Ilan started to talk before me and asked where I am. My protest has started when Neta asked others to move for not hiding me. FINE! I'm used to it! I said one or two more things like this. Didn't help me at all. Last year I also was in a situation like this, and with all troubles of end of year show - I had to move all the time from my place in one of the dances for the "ballerina" who cares only for herself won't hide me. I can't remember any class that I felt like I wanna cry. It's probably the first time. Hold on... It doesn't worth it, mostly not near everyone there. A story that Neta told us through in my mind: she told that a long time ago when she was in the company of Rafael Aguillar they took a tour of shows in Italy. A part of the show was one evening taken by Miguel Angel, and one evening by Antonio Canales. They changed it between them every evening. One of the evening that this part was taken be Miguel - Canales ran out from the theatre. When some found him - they found out he was crying because it wasn't his part that evening. Although there are dancers who I love more (like Miguel) - I must say I still have respect to his talent. And hey, I'm NOT in his level, so how can I let myself cry because of a thing like this?
In the getting back to the dance itself - now the line starts in the bimbo. At least the fact I'm short enough - I stand right after/next to her. Now in the beginning Neta said that I do it too slow and it's very clear to the eye. Till now she never said to me anything about this part!
Dancing all again. End of class. I went to Neta and bagged her to save me from the last line. She said that I'm not good enough for the first row and everyone will see me anyway. I didn't ask the first row, I just asked not to be in the last one. I made a try to tell her about last year and the fact I needed to move all the time because of the "ballerina", and still she didn't want to listen.
Second class. The only part that I could handle was to remember how long do we do the jaleo in the start of our buleria of all of us. I was the only one who remembered and this time - Neta accepted to listen. And I was right. We started. We had to make jaleo. My head was still in the last line and my horrible way that I dance. I walked with them and I made the palmas, but I couldn't say any word. Neta asked me where is it. I ask myself the same question. The weirdo made a try to make a connection with me as a part of the jaleo. I wanted to respond to her and nothing came out. By the way she reacted - I know she understood it's nothing against her. Still didn't didn't take much till she thought it will be better to take some space of me.
Not much after we started (and all were horrible) - I noticed that the fat woman is behind us and try to do like us. She not suppose to be in this class, so it was weird. accept that - after the standing - I really need her to make my feeling even worse.
After some tries, after I noticed that Ilan check me out from his place - Neta told the fat woman what we do. Fine in the next times she will understand. NO!!!
We sat to listen some bulerias. With the way I felt - I won't run for my life, but I rather sit this way and listen till end of class. It wasn't till the end.
All must dance alone. The weirdo who took some space was the first one. Still she didn't dare without Neta. Even then she mostly looked. The new nice one was after her. She didn't do well, so Neta asked her to try again. Second try she made really pretty. And the bimbo who made it really good (but not perfect) with some steps that she probably learned from another place. The assistant was next. Really? I'm in HER level that I need to be in the same row with her? She mostly made palmas to herself and asked what to do. Yeah, "amazing" buleria. Ilan made it great. Neta asked the fat woman if she wanna try. She didn't. And my turn. I gave up this time from the start. I asked NOT to do this time. I didn't say, but Neta didn't try to make me. I normally wanna try and this is the main reason for me to take this class, but this time I was too afraid. Anyhow - buleria need to be happy and I was too tired for faking happiness.
In the way home I walked again with Ilan. Sweat of him - he made a try to cheer me up. He said that I shouldn't take this row so bad - it doesn't mean that I dance horrible and all will see me in the end of year no matter where I stand. It was a nice try, but it didn't work out to save my mood.
I came with no stress this time, just tired. Beginners class. From a weird reason I saw that Ilan dance with them. Between the classes I asked him what did he do with the beginners. He told me that he came early, so instead of watching - he joined them. Andreu came for a moment and gone.
Our class has started with hands' warming longer than the usual. And legs' warming. Twice or three times we made our practice to end of year as "a part of class although we're on stage". Neta said we are getting better. So, as far as we're getting better - few new steps to this part.
A bit of circles around. Once again - do we notice we're getting better? The bimbo came that moment or so.
And do all our dance. For the first time - we all did the start pretty well, but.... When the action starts - I saw all standing and I wasn't sure if I should go on. One moment of thinking - I took the chance. It was already in a little late cause I wasn't sure. I guess it was a good thing cause a moment after I took this chance - all "woke up" from their freezing and came with me. One moment of pleasure that I felt like I should trust myself more. After this time - Neta asked what happened to all of us. Once again from the start.
And.... Does all here? Only the nice one is missing. We're getting our places of standing for the end of year. Ilan of course is in the first line. Quickly I found myself in the last line. 3-4 lines and I'm in the back again - with the assistant. And the man and the nice one. I found myself in the end while the assistant don't get anything next to each other, at least some of the time. Oh dear.... I died and came to hell....... Not much after I was so happy with the moves I made - I found myself in the same level of the assistant. The fat woman is in a line before me! Am I really THAT horrible dancer and THAT untalented? I still didn't say a word. Ilan started to talk before me and asked where I am. My protest has started when Neta asked others to move for not hiding me. FINE! I'm used to it! I said one or two more things like this. Didn't help me at all. Last year I also was in a situation like this, and with all troubles of end of year show - I had to move all the time from my place in one of the dances for the "ballerina" who cares only for herself won't hide me. I can't remember any class that I felt like I wanna cry. It's probably the first time. Hold on... It doesn't worth it, mostly not near everyone there. A story that Neta told us through in my mind: she told that a long time ago when she was in the company of Rafael Aguillar they took a tour of shows in Italy. A part of the show was one evening taken by Miguel Angel, and one evening by Antonio Canales. They changed it between them every evening. One of the evening that this part was taken be Miguel - Canales ran out from the theatre. When some found him - they found out he was crying because it wasn't his part that evening. Although there are dancers who I love more (like Miguel) - I must say I still have respect to his talent. And hey, I'm NOT in his level, so how can I let myself cry because of a thing like this?
In the getting back to the dance itself - now the line starts in the bimbo. At least the fact I'm short enough - I stand right after/next to her. Now in the beginning Neta said that I do it too slow and it's very clear to the eye. Till now she never said to me anything about this part!
Dancing all again. End of class. I went to Neta and bagged her to save me from the last line. She said that I'm not good enough for the first row and everyone will see me anyway. I didn't ask the first row, I just asked not to be in the last one. I made a try to tell her about last year and the fact I needed to move all the time because of the "ballerina", and still she didn't want to listen.
Second class. The only part that I could handle was to remember how long do we do the jaleo in the start of our buleria of all of us. I was the only one who remembered and this time - Neta accepted to listen. And I was right. We started. We had to make jaleo. My head was still in the last line and my horrible way that I dance. I walked with them and I made the palmas, but I couldn't say any word. Neta asked me where is it. I ask myself the same question. The weirdo made a try to make a connection with me as a part of the jaleo. I wanted to respond to her and nothing came out. By the way she reacted - I know she understood it's nothing against her. Still didn't didn't take much till she thought it will be better to take some space of me.
Not much after we started (and all were horrible) - I noticed that the fat woman is behind us and try to do like us. She not suppose to be in this class, so it was weird. accept that - after the standing - I really need her to make my feeling even worse.
After some tries, after I noticed that Ilan check me out from his place - Neta told the fat woman what we do. Fine in the next times she will understand. NO!!!
We sat to listen some bulerias. With the way I felt - I won't run for my life, but I rather sit this way and listen till end of class. It wasn't till the end.
All must dance alone. The weirdo who took some space was the first one. Still she didn't dare without Neta. Even then she mostly looked. The new nice one was after her. She didn't do well, so Neta asked her to try again. Second try she made really pretty. And the bimbo who made it really good (but not perfect) with some steps that she probably learned from another place. The assistant was next. Really? I'm in HER level that I need to be in the same row with her? She mostly made palmas to herself and asked what to do. Yeah, "amazing" buleria. Ilan made it great. Neta asked the fat woman if she wanna try. She didn't. And my turn. I gave up this time from the start. I asked NOT to do this time. I didn't say, but Neta didn't try to make me. I normally wanna try and this is the main reason for me to take this class, but this time I was too afraid. Anyhow - buleria need to be happy and I was too tired for faking happiness.
In the way home I walked again with Ilan. Sweat of him - he made a try to cheer me up. He said that I shouldn't take this row so bad - it doesn't mean that I dance horrible and all will see me in the end of year no matter where I stand. It was a nice try, but it didn't work out to save my mood.
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